Update from Qudus' blog

Feb 28, 2009

My EXILE is in my head!

Hey hear me out,

I think i found another title for my next creation, i decide to change its title again from HOME SERIES, now i want to call it "EXILE" or better still "MY EXILE IS IN MY HEAD" hmm... I find it really exact for what i want to say, especially these days i feel so much away, a self exile, its like i am on a sabbatical expedition yet my chord is always tilting towards Nigeria, at times i feel i need a divorce with that nation, i feel its just too much of a burden to carry on a responsibility i don't think i could fulfil its needs right now, but that kind of divorce don't last me a week most times, there is a constant voice in my head, this voice rages at me, it barks at me, i feel it calls me silly names for being this guy that will not just be at peace and let things go away unnoticed, let life pass through me and just enjoy where my head leads me along with my dancing feet.
A work in progress. (i must setforth at sunset)

I feel i still don't understand why i tend to be political, but other times i tell myself "but that's not being political", not being able to succumb to the lure of those that oppresses me, in relation to views about social relationships that involve power or authority is not being political, not having the temperament of keeping quiet when there is a moral or racial or political or social injustice and rationality doesn't mean I'm political, does it? So i think this EXILE still reside in myself, one that exist out of whom my parents never thought of. One that makes me have a continuous love/hate relationship with my people, my country and my race. At times i get so mad at myself after i might have done something really radical, because i never want to sound too wise nor foolish, i don't want to make deliberate enemy, and those that knows me can testify to my cool head, but presently i feel I'm on a crossroad, where i have to decide where i belong, because in this world, its all about where you belong, who are your pals, who do you identify with, what's your race, culture and religion, what are your beliefs similar to mine. AND I'M SORRY I TEND TO DISAPPOINT EVERYONE.

But like every man, i also love good life, i love those things that makes me feel like a complete man, i also want success, i also want to promise a good life to my family, wife and kids and beloved ones, for it is them we do all these for at times, when we claim not to be greedy and selfish. However, am i ready to belong? that is the question Q. and the answer A for now is NO... NO... NO. I think what killed me in my first life was fraternity, cults, peer groups, alliance to oppress, beliefs that tramples on the lesser people, those that bunch up to rule the world, i think they were the ones that killed me in my initial life, i hate them so much, and i tend to do everything to make them hate me so much.

Yet I'm aware of their curious eyes watching out for me, pinned above my head and they want me to believe that its raining, amongst them lies those that sing far away songs to sooth my dance steps, amongst them are the play boys, finding my body really sexy to award me a top bid, amongst them are those clever ones who validates our artistry with a prize and trophy, amongst them are those who promise us heaven for the gratification of their own affairs... I'm strongly aware of all these curious eyes, and I'm in EXILE, far away from the space they occupy, far away from their belief, away from their reach, they will only hear the echo and feel the vibration, because my own success and (r)evolution will not be broadcast on CNN; le monde might not hear about it, jeune Afrique will walk pass by me without knowing, the big brothers of Africa and the arts will search for me in Europe and America and perhaps in Asia, but they will not find me, cos i might just be in a little room in Mexico, or Santo Domingo, i might be just under OLUMO rock, just by myself and my conscience, for i want to live a life of pride and honour, i want to be as modest as i can be and be arrogant enough to tell even the person feeding me right now how wrong he is, when i feel he gets it wrong.

My exile is in my head i think, now I'm beginning to realise, its not about being in France or in the states, nor anywhere foreign to Nigeria, for even when i am in Nigeria, i still feel far away from the Niger area, its not much about others, its more about me i think, i don't ever regret this life i didn't choose for me, i don't feel sorry for myself, this is just the path at which i find my tent, and my sole quest now is... Survival, i know i have to seek for other means of surviving the massive weight of this pessimist world that promises to crush me, other means of living healthy and alive in the midst of all my antagonising foes and generous benefactors. talk with crowds and still keep my virtue, walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, neither foes nor loving friends will hurt me no more, all men count with me, but none too much; i must survive this life, live my dreams up to my desired world, and find my liberty within the midst of all my antagonising foes and generous benefactors. I must definitely survive and set forth only after my sunset.

Q'dance (my new name!)