This morning i stumbled on a note coupled by Agnes around an incidence that found me kissing a girl in a party, she was disappointed and perhaps thought i was the only remaining guy on earth who one can stamped with fidelity and she lost hope coupled with a lot of deception.
Agnes, i still believe very strongly that fidelity is not an idealist concept, but it really exist, if fidelity is to mean being true to the other party then i believe it does exist, but if it is a concept which turn down the human part of us, which arrogantly go against the human nature, a concept which closes all doors to mistakes and errors then i don't believe in it as well, let me go back again to make it clearer.
If i happen to kiss a girl against my proper will and power in a party, the girl proposes a hand which i'd have liked to take without any form of regret and reject, if i hadn't a woman in my life that i love so much, if i happen to call this girl, to inform her that i think we are both trying to eat our meat raw, that we can't eat this cake and still have it;
Remember, even if i like this girl, but still the fact that i have a woman which i really love and loves me so much in turn, this fact keeps ringing in my mind and becoming the major factor why I CAN'T engage in any further action of such... then finally informing my woman about the whole panorama, asking for her pardon, making her realized that such won't deliberately happen again, i don't wish to justify my actions and its not a thing that bothers me that much, if someone judges me, moreover that's what we all do everyday, we judge. Profoundly inside of me, without thinking of the word fidelity or not, i think i have done the right thing by having the courage to inform my woman about this and i have realized my own mistake.
But the flip side of it all is that, why do girls always put the blame of infidelity on the male party, remember this girl knows quite well that the guy is engaged and nothing will make him stop loving his woman, yet she went on announcing her non-regret for whatever happened, why will you accept to be the mistress of a guy that has someone already and you want to blame men for infidelity, i will as well blame women for causing mishap in the minds of the men,
If one will start basing the root of one's relationship on how much the other party look at an opposite sex then there is an undefined purpose of being together, if my woman and i are busy structuring a life, busy thinking of how things will work for us in the future, any mistake or deliberate act of such a concept of "infidelity" is only an act that is outrightly valid for fulfillment of the selfish "man" part of the guy, get it right "for" the guy and not against his partner, he is not doing such acts to deliberately hurt his partner, he is not going to because of that stop loving her nor stop the dreams they have together.
I think the issue of infidelity between two partners is something that needs to be decided and pondered on between the couples and not an external body who is weighing things based on his or her own person and ideology and philosophy of life.
Agnes, i'm still that friend of yours who will continue to speak of his fiancée in an excellent way, in a way that calls upon all the beauties and good things of life, when i speak of her i want you to see true love and not "fidelity" true love never lies, true love is what i have for her and for no one else, i don't think because a baby loves her mother so much, he won't still accept to be carried by other women but one thing that is sure is that no matter how much care is shown to a baby while asleep, when he "wakes up" he will cry for his mother, i will never tell you that i'm holy or saint, i will never be part of a discussion that refused to see the both side of things before concluding.
Yes it has happened and that for sure is what the issue on ground is, but we won't bend down to wail over a spilt milk, SHIT HAPPENS and life goes on, i don't want to feel bad that this happened, no that's not what i want to say, i don't want neither you nor even Hajarat nor anybody be the reason why i will feel sad about this incidence, i want an in-depth sad feeling that will chop into my bowels like a permanent cancer that will pungently remind me of the aftermath, when next i'm about to make a re-make of such actions.
My dear friend, i understand the level of your deception, at the same time i think i am glad this time came to be, for you and for me, to get one thing as a lesson out of it, every situation of life that touches us so much, that makes us be ashamed or disappointed, marks a remarkable experiences of our lives. I think if i have a good memory, so i can say there is no time, where i have been tempted to alter a word to you, in which i don't believe in, in which is not part of me, i don't think there has been a moment in my life where i am not trying to be myself, kissing a girl in party, for sure is extreme and i won't say i regret it because i believe so much in destiny and for me there is no coincidence, we are all elements of experiences, our past and present experiences teaches us and shows us what path to follow, what path will make us make a better decision in the future, i don't regret my actions but it has thought me somethings i still need to know about life and about myself.
I'm not trying to be too wise nor sound foolish but i think if Hajarat would have been in that scene, or perhaps you or Shamira would have been there, it wouldn't have happened i believe. Evey where i go, every single individual i meet i talk to them about my relationship, not because i enjoy talking about her, but just for the fact that i want these people i talk with to be the saving grace that will bring me back to senses when i am about to go astray, because that i cannot take control of, for i know myself to a certain degree, but those who are other than me, those who knows my story and narration can rewrite it for me, they can bring me out of my delirium, one thing that is sure and will continue to be until death do us part is that i love Hajarat, to the last drop of my life, while the word fidelity is not even in this narration, what i want now from my woman is her ability to trust me again, although she do but i just feel bad deep inside of me and its normal.
My dear friend, your demands are heavy, your expectations are augmented and larger than reality, and a bit of a difficult proposition for guys of our age group to accept. i can only talk of myself because i know exactly what i want, if what you want from we guys now, is to base the basis of our relationships on a solid rock foundation that outrightly matches with your image of 'fidelity", what about love and caring, what about the kind of life you both dream to have in the future, what about sincerity even in time of "infidelity", what about the things that makes you happy in your partner, will you for the sake of one infected finger cut away the whole of your arm? perhaps the way i see love is far more different from that of my contemporaries.
From your words "i don't think love will ever be stronger than instinct" and i perfectly agree with you, at this stage of our life where everything is in movement, at this stage where we are the greatest adventurer with the healthiest energy, at this point where many of us are still trying to hold on to something, even those who already have something to hold on to, somethings will still want to see if there is a possible possibility of holding on to us, and tell me how do we resist, where does that energy of resistance comes from when you have "nothing" to loose in the process of giving it a trial, your proposition is not something we need to bother ourselves about now, now its the time to start building, now its the time to begin to get ready, a marriage doesn't mean success nor accomplishment, it is only the beginning of what could turn out to be success or another learning process, your proposition is what many guys will come to inculcate unto their life, on their own by the time our experiences and agility towards the opposite sex has brought us to a point of tranquil acceptance of our sincere partner as not just a wife but a celestial possession that needed to be looked after day and night, Agnes i bet you, that time is not now, we have a lot to grasp with, remember it is this same us who is in love and at the same time, thinking about a good life for those we love and those who loves us, we are running after a better life, running after our projects, running after a whole lot of deceptions and in this process of running remember devil is always around the corner, and his greatest weapon against we human is temptation. and only few can resist it.
If you say you don't want to ever be sad because of a guy, then you are still in a constant rebellion with reality, such declaration has said nothing to me but a refusal to learn and structure a way of life, in this process of being sad. do you ever have a clue of the fact that, the guy you claimed to be a mistress to is sincerely in love with someone, that person that makes life more meaningful whenever she is beside him, that person that freezes all other outside happenings beyond the space they both occupy, if i was to be a girl, i think i will focus my attention on being that girl that makes her man see another meaning to love and life whenever i'm with him, then i will care less about what happens on the market street, because lot of things happen on the market street.